Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
    Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts

  • 10. Stop being so exhausting
    It's #10 but I listed it first for a reason. The guys that fish for compliments, bitch and moan about imaginary shit like "Friend Zone," or just sit their in their own self-pity are just that. Exhausting. What the hell do you think you're doing? Hey, we all have our weak moments and feel like crap and it's good to share that with the people you know already dig you but why are you going out on dates and doing this? You really need to think of getting compliments or sympathy like a well. Feel free to draw from the well when you need it but remember that everyone has different sizes of wells. Some guys use this as their shtick and a lot of women will deal with it for a bit and maybe think it's cute or that they can build you up but, in the end, they're exhausted and move on.
    Stop asking, "Does she like me?" (If you have to ask, probably not). No more, "Should I call her?" (Yes. Fuck, call her already). Stop being this little brat who needs their hand held at every turn. You're just draining yourself and everyone around you.
    9. Let her cheer you up
    Once you're grumpy, why are you so stubborn about being grumpy? Beyond a chemical imbalance I watch too many guys come in to the bar in a grumpy mood and sit their with their girlfriend trying to cheer them up and never letting her do it. You're being stubborn. Grumpy has become this scratchy, horrible burlap bag that you've wrapped yourself in and you refuse to take it off. Man, she's trying to make you feel better. Let her! Bonus points: She gets to feel great because what she did worked to make you feel better. It's a growth experience that makes you two become closer for it. Now you can get out there and have an awesome night.
    8. Find your Vegas
    Hey, the world is always trying to beat down your door just to kick you in the nuts, take your delicious ice cream, make you watch reruns of "Caroline in the City," and destroy your relationship. Thought that's not strictly true, it does feel that way sometimes. As your lives become more and more entwined, the day-to-day stuff is going to suck some of that initial fun out of you two. My wife and I have Vegas.
    In Vegas we leave all that junk behind and just focus on the fun part of us being together. We act like it was when we first started dating. Even if it's only for a few days. It doesn't have to be actual Vegas. Vegas is a metaphor for a spot that you two can go to just "get out of Dodge" for a bit. Reconnect. Sometimes we go to Carmel. Sometimes we go to this little town just south of where we live that's about 45 minutes away and go and get drunk and spend the night in a mediocre hotel and walk around shitty antique stores and eating amazing Mexican food. Whatever that spot might be, make sure you go there, don't leave this part out.
    7. Show that you give a fuck about yourself
    God, I hate that I have to even include this one. It should be self-evident and makes me angry having to say it.
    I think it's a ridiculous standard how women get chastised for "letting themselves go" after getting in a relationship when the guy never really looked like he gave a fuck to begin with. Want her to keep looking good? Then look good and keep looking good. GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE AND TAKE A WALK. Hey, I sit on Reddit, too. I like video games, too. I like vegging on the couch with a glass of wine and settling on a movie after scrolling through Netflix for 30 minutes. However, I don't spend all my time doing these things. I make sure that I get my workout in (Even if it's just walking a few blocks to bring my energy level back up).
    Going on a date? She's about to spend 2 hours cleaning up, putting on make-up, picking out an outfit, etc. She's doing this not so everyone else will think she looks great but so she feels good about how she looks and because she wants to look good for you. You respond by putting on a nice pair of shorts and a pair of fucking flip-flops? What a star. I'm sure she's swooning.
    I can't tell you how many first and second dates I see come in to the bar (yes, we can tell) where the girl has clearly spent time on how she looks and the guy looks like he just rolled out of his bed at summer camp. Almost every time I see this, they leave separately.
    Look and act like you care about yourself. Been dating 6 months? Keep it up. Been dating 10 years? Keep it up. We all have our frumpy days or days that we just want to walk around in our holey underwear but, if those days get to be too many, don't be surprised when she's matching you for who can look the most homeless.
    6. Find your anniversaries
    My wife and I met on the 4th of July and though we got married in September, we consider that our anniversary. We always celebrate that day (with fireworks and picnics and such) and it's good but I don't really consider that celebration a big piece of who we are.
    Shortly after we started dating, we went to a Thievery Corporation concert. It was awesome. Every part of the night was perfect. From dinner, to the concert, to drinks after, to the sex at the end of the night and then waking up in each other's arms. Well, sort of. Waking up in the same bed. You get really hot, you know?
    Now, every year, we find a Thievery Corporation concert and go. It brings us back to those first days together and it's wonderful. It's something real and regular and it's an escape. Oh, and I'm not worried about the fact that they'll stop touring someday because we're creating new anniversaries all the time.
    5. Don't tell her you love who she is then not let her be who she is.
    Did you ask her out because she's a huge flirt and she flirted with you and you loved it and now you're dating? Or maybe she absolutely loves reading books and you fell for her because you were able to have this killer conversation about a book you loved.
    The news here is that women aren't the only sex who want to change the people they're dating. If she was a huge flirt then probability is that she'll keep being one. If she was a bookworm then probability is that she'll have her nose buried in a book a lot. Don't get angry at them for being who they are, something you loved when you met them.
    Here's the cool part: Accepting and embracing who she is will make her feel safe enough to do the same thing for you. You're no slice of perfect, I assure you. I know you know this but you really have to know this. You have plenty of shit that she will need to look past. Give her the freedom to be herself and you'll see just how amazing she is and fall in love with her over and over.
    4. Sometimes, it doesn't work out. Don't be afraid to admit this
    I had to throw this in the middle because I didn't want anyone to think that using this stuff will always make things perfect. I don't regret any of my relationships, not a single one. I do, however, regret not ending some of them sooner than I did.
    What is it with guys? Do you really think that you just have to sit in a bad relationship forever because there's not another one out there for you? I'm not even talking about abusive relationships or relationships where the girl is a flat-out nightmare. I'm talking about the relationships that are just really crappy. Unsupportive, demeaning, caustic at times.
    You know when the relationship is bad. You feel it in your gut. Hell, you probably even say it to yourself. Yet, there you sit, riding it out. Usually, until she dumps you. Man, get out of there and let her find the person that's right for her and you can find the person that's right for you. It only sucks for a bit and then you're done and get to move on.
    3. Same team, man! Same team!!
    You can't fight each other. You can argue about things, that's normal. You can't fight each other. There, I said it twice. Going toe-to-toe with her like she's out to destroy you will destroy you. You're arguing because you both care about each other and whatever it is you're arguing about. Remember that it can be a tough world out there and you two are on the same side. That means stepping through your anger, out the other side, to see her side of it. It means admitting you're wrong. It means being kind and understanding when she's been wrong. Fuck, this is one of the hardest parts and I'm not perfect at it but I always come back to it. You need to, too. Either of you can go out in to the world and get the shit beat out of them there's no reason to bring that hostility back in to your relationship.
    2. Let her have it
    I watch couples sit at my bar all the time and the guy will be telling some long, idiotic and drawn out story about whatever and she'll sit there patiently and listen and nod in all the right places and ask questions in all the right places and just let him have his time. It might be an older couple that got all gussied up to go out or a young couple looking gorgeous, this problem has no age limit. The girl will then say something that obviously shows she wants to talk about it or that she needs a compliment and the guy will just take another sip of his beer. It's infuriating.
    How much does it really cost you to tell her that she looks gorgeous? Or that she's beautiful? Or just let her tell the story that she wants to tell? Even if the story is boring the answer is, "It costs me nothing." Fuck, she's listened to a thousand of your boring stories. Bonus points: Her story might actually be interesting or funny or compelling. As a matter of fact, it probably is. Why? Because women are usually better at telling stories. It's kind of their thing. So, let her have it. Most of the time you'll be glad for it and it's these stories and the back and forth that create the friendship.
    1. Choose her. Everyday.
    This one makes all the other points look like "Programming for Dummies." It's the most important thing you can do for your relationship. Every time you see her, you realize that you chose her and you do it again. Choose her over and over. You're going to get bogged down in work and want to spend night after night doing your job, choose her so it will help you remember what's important. You're going to have other women catch your eye and be interesting to you, choose her again so that you can remember what's important. If you ever have kids, they're going to start hogging all of your attention, choose her so that your kids can see what a real relationship is supposed to be like and emulate it themselves. Whatever the options are, choose her, then you won't make any wrong decisions.
    There we go. That's "The List." Yes, there are additions, addendums, subtractions, exceptions, and other junk. It's not perfect but it's mine and I can pretty much guarantee that following it will leave you in a better place than not following it.
    Read More Here. 
  • 1) Have A Cool Place 

     It doesn't have to be YOUR place. If you have contacts working at nice pubs, you can organize happy hours, or meet-ups, and get specials going. You'd be surprised - a lot of places will give you specials just for asking - just ask them whether you could get any specials if you bring a group of 15-20 people in the next week. Or maybe your friend's house, who also likes to throw parties? Or how about the park? It don't matter, holmes, work with what you got.

     2) Have a Fun Activity or Theme to Anchor the Event 

     Is it a dance party? A cool hat party (more fun than it sounds)? A barbecue? A Twister party? A movie-drinking game party? A video game drinking party? A "log into Omegle/Chatroulette" and mess with strangers party? A make your own pizza party? A karaoke/murder mystery party?
    You get to decide, bro - just make sure it's something 80 percent of the people who are there will have fun with. So, obviously, dancing, drinking, and eating will be the most common activities.
    You can shake it up by adding things to that, though - not even 3 weeks from now, I'll be having a party at my house where I'll have classic Super Mario Bros, meaning literally anyone can learn the controls and play even if they suck at it, and house rules are that if you die you drink, if you beat a level, everyone else drinks. Add music and dancing, and people will start taking off their clothes. Just like last time.

    3) Invite All the People Whose Parties YOU Would go to 

     These people are just like you. They're fun, they don't sit on their ass waiting for something cool to happen to them, and they have OTHER friends that will follow them off a cliff if it looks like a good time. The coolest, most fun thing you have have going on in a party is multiple people's social energy and momentum added to yours.
    And, if it's not clear, invite lots of women, and get your friends to bring ladies too.

     4) Be a Good Host 

     This is important. This is what will make you a leader, if not THE leader of your social group. This doesn't mean spending a fuck ton of money, this doesn't mean being a doormat for everyone at your event. Shoot, half the time I tell people to bring their own liquor - a lot of times they show up with something mid or top shelf just for me. That's because they know that I will give them a great time in return, and fun people happy to contribute resources and money to a good time.
    But, you invited people for a reason, right? You probably like them, or are at least vaguely interested in what they do for a living. Talk to them. Talk to everyone. It a) let's everyone know that you're the guy who can get them what they need, and b) is just overall great for building your confidence and leadership mindset. You are the one in charge of your party - so BE VISIBLY the one in charge.

     5) What Does this Have to do with Seduction? 

     Well, it makes you a badass mofo within your social group, and the wealth of data that I and my friends have collected in the field seems to indicate that ladies enjoy having fun guys. If you're not into that, make sure the party rules expressly declare that there shall be no gang-banging. Cause, it can happen.

     By Broski



  • Qualifying Women

    "I wonder what she's like."

    This is your new mindset. Embrace it. Fall in love with it. It is your new best friend.

    Plenty has been said about the importance of having an abundance mentality as opposed to a scarcity mindset. Women want men who have options. Employers are more likely to hire employees who have other job options. The best negotiators make sure they have viable, alternate options.

    But how does one develop an abundance mentality towards women when they've never even kissed one? That, my friends, is the million dollar question. Plenty of great men have waxed poetically about this paradox, and most have utterly failed. Until now. The answer lies in these five simple words: "I wonder what she's like."

    As you go through the self-improvement process, you will inevitably reflect upon what you want out of a partner. You will start to grasp what you really want out of life. As you evolve, so will your desires, values, and needs. This is a natural part of becoming a man.
    With that in mind, going through life seeking out people, places, and things that fit your desires is only natural. No longer are you thinking, "Will this girl like me?" Instead you are thinking, "I wonder what she's like."

    To put it another way, in each interaction, you are looking to expose the underlying truth. It seems so simple, but "What do you do for a living?" takes on a whole new meaning when you follow it up with "Why did you get into that field?" and genuinely care how she answers.
    Other Helpful Phrases:

    • "I'm curious about that. Tell me more."
    • "What are you passionate about?"
    • "Why this school? Why not somewhere else?"
    • "What made you choose this city for your vacation?"

     Learn to seek out the truth. What makes her tick? What is she really passionate about? Is she worthy of your time? Is she girlfriend material or is she someone you will want to invite out to help you cut the line at nightclubs? Figure that shit out. This is how you develop an abundance mentality when you don't have abundance yet. This is how you attract women.

    The guys who inquisitively seek out the truth like this are the guys who cause girls to say "I met this guy last night who just... gets me. It was amazing." Be one of those guys.


    Calibration

    Calibration ties right in with this. You MUST understand how different people, places and situations affect how you can behave. Sometimes a girl just wants to be dry-humped on a dance floor. Other times she wants to spend an hour talking about family, life, and passions. Other times she wants to discuss current events.

    There is only one constant: It is YOUR job, as the man, to lead the interaction in a way that she finds pleasurable and sexy. This is your mission.

    I am not going to tell you how calibration works in every situation. That is something you MUST learn for yourself. Without reference experiences, you cannot master calibration. That means PRACTICE (Apologies to Allen Iverson.)

    The trick here is getting out of your comfort zone. Push your limits, be high energy, be low energy, say something crazy, mess up a girl's hair out of nowhere, pick her up in the air and spin her around, talk to her about sports, ask her about her family, ask her interview questions about her job and where she went to school. Get a drink thrown in your face. Try everything! Over time you will intuitively grasp how to act in different situations and what you can and can't get away with.

    But throughout it all, develop a love for finding out who she is and seeing if she's a fit for you. That's the name of the game. That's what qualification is all about.


    Action Items

    1) Bust out your notebook. Write down a list of women (real, fictional, famous, friends, crushes, whoever) that you find attractive for some reason. Try to jot down at least 10-20. Leave space between each name.

    2) Next to each name, write down specific things you find attractive about them. Let your stream of consciousness flow.

    Examples: her hair, sense of humor, loves to party, can drink as much as I can, plays guitar, likes Pink Floyd, plays sports, nice breasts, big ass, adorable, Latina, travels, has hot friends, religious, atheist, bisexual, polyamorous

    3) Look at the whole mess of text you just wrote. Just soak it in. Stare it for a few minutes with some music on in the background. Just soak it in while you visualize these various women and what they do for you.

    4) Repeat the Action Items 5-8 in Part 3, but this time make an effort to seek the truth out in your interactions as laid out above. Journal these encounters and reflect on them.

    5) Go to a high-energy nightclub or bar on a weekend with the sole intention of getting rejected in the most hilarious fashion possible. (This mindset is important. Bring friends if possible.) Think of crazy things to ask and do to women, then do it. Then do it to 10 more girls.
    Examples: Rub a girl's head and mess up her hair a little. Ask a group of girls their thoughts on The Human Centipede series.

    Push your comfort zone. Laugh at the hilarity of the rejections, you've earned it.

    6) The next morning, think back on some of your crazy interactions and I guarantee you will realize girls let you get away with a lot more than you thought. Surprise, surprise, you're becoming a spontaneous, fun guy that women find attractive.
  • Take the lesson you learned in Kindergarten about sharing and apply it to every aspect of your life.

    Why?

     1) Because you're not boring.

     Ex: I started out by telling dates my research for the past two years demand future experiments. I soon learned, I became much more attractive by sharing my excitement for a new set of experiments I was planning and the implications it would have.
    Another ex: Your passion might be music.
    Don't just say, "I like to listen to music". Convey a story and your excitement for discovering up and coming artists by going to local music venues, the local record shop.

     2) Because you can get over approach anxiety. 

     Believing you have something to share to the world changes your mindset about how valuable you are as a person. For example - it's a snowy day at the bus stop, but it's relatively warm compared to a non-snowy day. As a chemistry major, you think nothing of it, but you can SHARE your knowledge about how the chemical structure of snow allows it to act as an insulator. Instant conversation starter.
    Note: I use OkCupid because my time is limited, and I'd like my dates to share my political, social ideology rather than discover we have nothing in common.

     3) Because sharing prevents you from caring. 

     At the beginning, I agonized over when girls would call or text back because I wanted to know how THEY were doing, if THEY were interested in a movie, if THEY want to do something. Now, I contact them because something funny/awesome/sad happened or will happen, and I want to SHARE the experience with them. This allows you to frame messages in an assertive manner. Let's go do ... instead of hey, if you're free, would you maybe want to go...?
    Along the same lines, sharing prevents you from taking and exuding desperation. If you're giving of yourself, you don't feel compelled to ask girls for their valuable time. If you're sharing the great experiences things you do, they will feel compelled to accept your offer.

     4) Because sharing demands self-improvement and reflection.

     If you examine your life and don't think it's worth sharing, then this should motivate you to better your lifestyle. Get a body that makes you want to run on the beach without a shirt on so you can share to the world what it means to be fit. A concrete example for me has been getting myself to do 40 pushups at once from merely 10 this January. If your hygiene isn't so good, maybe it's time to consider what you need to do to share a kiss with someone (flossing, perhaps??).

     5) Because sharing demonstrates your character. 

     Oh, you share your time at the local boys and girls club? Oh, you tipped that waiter well because you understand how crappy a job it is and are able to share what you can afford? >> For a girl to see you share your time to help others makes her less concerned with you taking in general (but more specifically her). By sharing, she is more capable of trusting you and less concerned with whether you will merely use her. Because when you give, you get so much more back in return.

    How I came to realize this: I gradually started to do all of this on my own, but I had no paradigm with which to explain what was going on, until I read this article profiling the organizational psychologist Adam Grant. Exceptional read.

     Share yourself! What do you have to lose?
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