Sexual Agenda

When teaching men how to effectively approach women, I frequently admonish them that they have to show up with their sexual agenda intact. Nice Guys frequently find this both confusing and frightening. 

This admonition to embrace their sexual agenda is confusing for Nice Guys because most have deep beliefs that women don’t like sex and they don’t like men who want to have sex with them. Nice Guys typically are convinced that women don’t like being seen as sexual objects and are offended when men “hit” on them.

The admonition is frightening because most Nice Guys have tremendous sexual shame, guilt, and anxiety. In my book, No More Mr. Nice Guy, I make the assertion that I have yet to meet a Nice Guy that in some way, wasn’t messed up sexually. As a result of these sexual issues and their Self-Limiting Beliefs (SLBs) about sex and women, most Nice Guys hide their sexual agenda not only from women, but also from themselves.

Here are a couple of Nice Guy comments that reflect the anxiety of showing up with your sexual agenda intact.

“ . . . I think that I've always believed any women who might be my Really Great Woman (RGW) would not like me to check her out this way, and if she does she is a slut. I know that is utter crap now, but it is hard to grasp.”

“This is one of the things I've been so unsure about how to do. How do you bring your sexual agenda to the table? Being confident, being social, taking the lead, telling, teasing, touching, letting go of attachments, etc. Is that what you mean?”

Bringing your sexual agenda to the table when you first meet a woman begins with being honest with your self. You are talking to a woman because you want to find out if she is someone with whom you would want to have some kind of relationship. That would include sex at some point. Otherwise why would you be talking to her instead of a guy (to just be friends?). You are talking to her because she has breasts and a vagina, and you would like access to them.

So that means don't hide your sexual agenda from yourself or her. It doesn't mean being blatantly sexual right off the bat, but it does mean don't try and sneak it in later when you've acted like you just want to be her friend.

In order to get comfortable with themselves sexually, most Nice Guys, benefit from doing some therapy to deal with their sexual shame, guilt, and anxiety. Think about it. If you aren’t comfortable with your own sexuality, how can you expect a woman to open up to you sexually?

If you have sexual guilt, you will have to hide your sexual self from women. Odds are, you have already pushed your sexual energy underground where it has found expression in porn, fantasy, and masturbation. All of these things just intensify the guilt you already feel for being a sexual being with sexual desires.

I’ve spent years working on these issues in myself in a number of different contexts. My sexual shame, guilt, and anxiety were pretty deeply wired into my brain by my family, my church, and a really messed up society. 

Deep at the core of my Self-Limiting Beliefs was the conviction that women don't like sex, they think men who want sex are bad, and they probably wouldn’t want to have sex with me.

When I entered the dating world 10 years ago, I had done a lot of work around my sexual SLBs. What I discovered was that the majority of the women I met were highly sexual and were in a bigger hurry to get naked than I was. It blew me away. It totally went against everything I had believed earlier in life. Because of my previous sexual SLBs and my repressed sexual agenda, all I had ever found before were women who matched my own perceptions.

Embracing your sexual agenda is one of the best ways I know to create positive emotional tension with a woman. Women need tension for attraction and attachment. Sexual intention is a great way to create the kind of tension between you and a woman that will powerfully draw her to you.

Embracing your sexual agenda is also a great way to get to rejection quickly. If you show up with your sexual agenda intact and the woman has low interest -- for whatever reason – it will be obvious. Move on and find a woman who has high interest in developing a relationship with you. 

Bringing your sexual agenda is also the best way to stay out of the friend zone. Nice Guys frequently end up being a “girlfriend with a penis” because they don’t give a woman any reason to see him as anything other than that. 

If you bring your sexual agenda to the table from the first moment you meet a woman, you’ll never have to experience that look of surprise and bewilderment in her eyes when she says, “I’m sorry, I just don’t see you in that way. I like that you are my friend.”

Finally, here is one more question from a “confused” Nice Guy:

“I think I'm still unclear of what bringing your sexual agenda to the table means when you're in the presence of the woman? Does that mean making innuendos (like not right off the bat, of course)? Does that mean telling her you find her sexy?

Tonight I have an event, and I want to bring my sexual agenda with one of the girls there. How do I do that in a group where the ratio is 8 guys to every 1 girl.”

First off, it sounds like you are attached to specific outcome in regard to wanting to bring your sexual agenda to a specific woman at a gathering. That will probably come off as manipulative and perhaps even a little creepy.

When appropriated (like when not at work), bring your sexual agenda to every woman you meet socially. You might be surprised at the chemistry that might get activated with women who weren’t even on your radar.

To answer the primary question, bringing your sexual agenda has nothing to do with what you say or how you say it. It has everything to do with you being comfortable in your own skin as a sexual being and not holding that back due to fear, anxiety, guilt, self-limiting beliefs or attachment to outcome. 

You were born sexual and wired to have sex. Every one one of your ancestors had sex. Let the essence of who you are radiate out of you in the presence of the women you meet.

If you get comfortable with your sexuality and are comfortable manifesting it with women, you will increase the odds of attracting a really cool woman who likes sex and will be thrilled to have a sexual adventure with you. 

Dr. Robert Glover