10 Rules for Dating, Finding, and Being "The One."

by atomicspin

10. Stop being so exhausting

It's #10 but I listed it first for a reason. The guys that fish for compliments, bitch and moan about imaginary shit like "Friend Zone," or just sit their in their own self-pity are just that. Exhausting. What the hell do you think you're doing? Hey, we all have our weak moments and feel like crap and it's good to share that with the people you know already dig you but why are you going out on dates and doing this? You really need to think of getting compliments or sympathy like a well. Feel free to draw from the well when you need it but remember that everyone has different sizes of wells. Some guys use this as their shtick and a lot of women will deal with it for a bit and maybe think it's cute or that they can build you up but, in the end, they're exhausted and move on.

Stop asking, "Does she like me?" (If you have to ask, probably not). No more, "Should I call her?" (Yes. Fuck, call her already). Stop being this little brat who needs their hand held at every turn. You're just draining yourself and everyone around you.

9. Let her cheer you up

Once you're grumpy, why are you so stubborn about being grumpy? Beyond a chemical imbalance I watch too many guys come in to the bar in a grumpy mood and sit their with their girlfriend trying to cheer them up and never letting her do it. You're being stubborn. Grumpy has become this scratchy, horrible burlap bag that you've wrapped yourself in and you refuse to take it off. Man, she's trying to make you feel better. Let her! Bonus points: She gets to feel great because what she did worked to make you feel better. It's a growth experience that makes you two become closer for it. Now you can get out there and have an awesome night.

8. Find your Vegas

Hey, the world is always trying to beat down your door just to kick you in the nuts, take your delicious ice cream, make you watch reruns of "Caroline in the City," and destroy your relationship. Thought that's not strictly true, it does feel that way sometimes. As your lives become more and more entwined, the day-to-day stuff is going to suck some of that initial fun out of you two. My wife and I have Vegas.

In Vegas we leave all that junk behind and just focus on the fun part of us being together. We act like it was when we first started dating. Even if it's only for a few days. It doesn't have to be actual Vegas. Vegas is a metaphor for a spot that you two can go to just "get out of Dodge" for a bit. Reconnect. Sometimes we go to Carmel. Sometimes we go to this little town just south of where we live that's about 45 minutes away and go and get drunk and spend the night in a mediocre hotel and walk around shitty antique stores and eating amazing Mexican food. Whatever that spot might be, make sure you go there, don't leave this part out.

7. Show that you give a fuck about yourself

God, I hate that I have to even include this one. It should be self-evident and makes me angry having to say it.

I think it's a ridiculous standard how women get chastised for "letting themselves go" after getting in a relationship when the guy never really looked like he gave a fuck to begin with. Want her to keep looking good? Then look good and keep looking good. GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE AND TAKE A WALK. Hey, I sit on Reddit, too. I like video games, too. I like vegging on the couch with a glass of wine and settling on a movie after scrolling through Netflix for 30 minutes. However, I don't spend all my time doing these things. I make sure that I get my workout in (Even if it's just walking a few blocks to bring my energy level back up).

Going on a date? She's about to spend 2 hours cleaning up, putting on make-up, picking out an outfit, etc. She's doing this not so everyone else will think she looks great but so she feels good about how she looks and because she wants to look good for you. You respond by putting on a nice pair of shorts and a pair of fucking flip-flops? What a star. I'm sure she's swooning.

I can't tell you how many first and second dates I see come in to the bar (yes, we can tell) where the girl has clearly spent time on how she looks and the guy looks like he just rolled out of his bed at summer camp. Almost every time I see this, they leave separately.

Look and act like you care about yourself. Been dating 6 months? Keep it up. Been dating 10 years? Keep it up. We all have our frumpy days or days that we just want to walk around in our holey underwear but, if those days get to be too many, don't be surprised when she's matching you for who can look the most homeless.

6. Find your anniversaries

My wife and I met on the 4th of July and though we got married in September, we consider that our anniversary. We always celebrate that day (with fireworks and picnics and such) and it's good but I don't really consider that celebration a big piece of who we are.

Shortly after we started dating, we went to a Thievery Corporation concert. It was awesome. Every part of the night was perfect. From dinner, to the concert, to drinks after, to the sex at the end of the night and then waking up in each other's arms. Well, sort of. Waking up in the same bed. You get really hot, you know?

Now, every year, we find a Thievery Corporation concert and go. It brings us back to those first days together and it's wonderful. It's something real and regular and it's an escape. Oh, and I'm not worried about the fact that they'll stop touring someday because we're creating new anniversaries all the time.

5. Don't tell her you love who she is then not let her be who she is.

Did you ask her out because she's a huge flirt and she flirted with you and you loved it and now you're dating? Or maybe she absolutely loves reading books and you fell for her because you were able to have this killer conversation about a book you loved.

The news here is that women aren't the only sex who want to change the people they're dating. If she was a huge flirt then probability is that she'll keep being one. If she was a bookworm then probability is that she'll have her nose buried in a book a lot. Don't get angry at them for being who they are, something you loved when you met them.

Here's the cool part: Accepting and embracing who she is will make her feel safe enough to do the same thing for you. You're no slice of perfect, I assure you. I know you know this but you really have to know this. You have plenty of shit that she will need to look past. Give her the freedom to be herself and you'll see just how amazing she is and fall in love with her over and over.

4. Sometimes, it doesn't work out. Don't be afraid to admit this

I had to throw this in the middle because I didn't want anyone to think that using this stuff will always make things perfect. I don't regret any of my relationships, not a single one. I do, however, regret not ending some of them sooner than I did.

What is it with guys? Do you really think that you just have to sit in a bad relationship forever because there's not another one out there for you? I'm not even talking about abusive relationships or relationships where the girl is a flat-out nightmare. I'm talking about the relationships that are just really crappy. Unsupportive, demeaning, caustic at times.

You know when the relationship is bad. You feel it in your gut. Hell, you probably even say it to yourself. Yet, there you sit, riding it out. Usually, until she dumps you. Man, get out of there and let her find the person that's right for her and you can find the person that's right for you. It only sucks for a bit and then you're done and get to move on.

3. Same team, man! Same team!!

You can't fight each other. You can argue about things, that's normal. You can't fight each other. There, I said it twice. Going toe-to-toe with her like she's out to destroy you will destroy you. You're arguing because you both care about each other and whatever it is you're arguing about. Remember that it can be a tough world out there and you two are on the same side. That means stepping through your anger, out the other side, to see her side of it. It means admitting you're wrong. It means being kind and understanding when she's been wrong. Fuck, this is one of the hardest parts and I'm not perfect at it but I always come back to it. You need to, too. Either of you can go out in to the world and get the shit beat out of them there's no reason to bring that hostility back in to your relationship.

2. Let her have it

I watch couples sit at my bar all the time and the guy will be telling some long, idiotic and drawn out story about whatever and she'll sit there patiently and listen and nod in all the right places and ask questions in all the right places and just let him have his time. It might be an older couple that got all gussied up to go out or a young couple looking gorgeous, this problem has no age limit. The girl will then say something that obviously shows she wants to talk about it or that she needs a compliment and the guy will just take another sip of his beer. It's infuriating.

How much does it really cost you to tell her that she looks gorgeous? Or that she's beautiful? Or just let her tell the story that she wants to tell? Even if the story is boring the answer is, "It costs me nothing." Fuck, she's listened to a thousand of your boring stories. Bonus points: Her story might actually be interesting or funny or compelling. As a matter of fact, it probably is. Why? Because women are usually better at telling stories. It's kind of their thing. So, let her have it. Most of the time you'll be glad for it and it's these stories and the back and forth that create the friendship.

1. Choose her. Everyday.

This one makes all the other points look like "Programming for Dummies." It's the most important thing you can do for your relationship. Every time you see her, you realize that you chose her and you do it again. Choose her over and over. You're going to get bogged down in work and want to spend night after night doing your job, choose her so it will help you remember what's important. You're going to have other women catch your eye and be interesting to you, choose her again so that you can remember what's important. If you ever have kids, they're going to start hogging all of your attention, choose her so that your kids can see what a real relationship is supposed to be like and emulate it themselves. Whatever the options are, choose her, then you won't make any wrong decisions.

There we go. That's "The List." Yes, there are additions, addendums, subtractions, exceptions, and other junk. It's not perfect but it's mine and I can pretty much guarantee that following it will leave you in a better place than not following it.

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